"Poking at me"

Tonight I've taken my mask off. I noticed I'd been wearing it more and more lately. Why? Well, I'm running from the hands that seem to be constantly following me. Poking at me. Squeezing into my neck. My mask was on because I was trying to hide from my anxiety. Not wanting it to catch me. I came to realise I'm sick of running. I'm sick of being scared of it. I'm finally tired of it. 

I reminded myself to become curious and not judgemental. I was getting lost in the story, trying to figure out the why. The why isn't important. What is important is connecting back to my body and my breath. When you become curious you allow your body the permission to feel what it needs to feel. I'm constantly working on myself and my ability to reach out. Something I haven't been ideal at the last couple of weeks. The thing is the nagging thought "I don't want to be a burden" comes up for me.  A lot. So I buried my feelings. Classic mistake we all do sometimes. As the bottle always explodes. 

What got me through this week was having all of my best mates call or text me (randomly) and checking in with me. This always makes me feel better and of course talking to my family too. If only these conversations were as easy as talking about work or the weather. Having simple conversations with people whom you trust can make all the difference in your mental wellness. I know for me it does. 

Even when the last thing I want to do is talk. I know it is the best thing for me. It's connection. Connecting to people face to face or chatting on the phone can help us to feel connection. Sometimes though I really hate to talk. When this happens moving helps me. Yoga. Walking. Pilates. Jumping. Anything to shake up my body physically helps release endorphins in a healthy way. If that is too much, even just sitting outside for 5 minutes in the fresh air is something I tried to do. 

For tonight though, I am just going to let my body rest. Be kind to myself. Most of all stay curious. 

Live, breathe, embrace; 

Stef 

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Tenille Westerhout