"My anxiety makes me feel crazy"

This week I experienced a severe panic attack, which to me felt like it came out of the blue. You see I know that one of the things that my anxiety activates to is death. I have an extreme fear that everyone I care about or who I am really close with will die before me. A thought that constantly haunts me. This week my anxiety decided to remind me of this in full force. 

On Tuesday afternoon, this nagging thought that a very good friend of mine was not ok starting to develop. This then progressed and grew into the thought that maybe he had died. Which then it morphed into me being convinced they had died. I tried talking it out in a rational way, logically think about it. Which is funny in itself because there is no way I could do that if the thing I am thinking of is completely irrational. I couldn't eat, change my thought process, soothe myself, concentrate, communicate with people. It was pretty much debilitating. (My friend is perfectly fine and was just asleep).

It was at this point that I realised that I am so lucky and blessed to have people in my life, who may not understand, but accept me for me. My friend was not judgemental in the slightest and just rode out the anxiety wave with me. The key thing for me, once I reflected on this is my honesty. With myself and others. Allowing myself to tell my close supports what was going on, made it easier for me to work through the anxiety attack. When I try to avoid it, bury it, run away from it, the hand of anxiety just gets tighter and tighter around my neck. To the point where it feels like I can't breathe anymore. 

Having an open communication internally and with others really helps me. I try to practice this all the time. That way when a panic attack comes along, my body will remember to communicate. Something that has only really been apart of my life the last 3 years. When my anxiety makes me feel crazy. I know that is my own self-stigma coming up. I am not crazy. I just feel things a little bit more than other people. 

Live, breathe, embrace.


Tenille Westerhout